I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
