Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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