I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
