I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
