I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Randomize
