I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
