I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
