You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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