So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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