I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
