My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I have feelings that need drinking.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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