Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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