Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
