I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
