gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
