Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
