You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
