Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
