you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
