i just wanna soil my oats bro
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
