i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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