I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
