If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I FOUND THE LEGS
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
