my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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