Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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