I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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