I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
