The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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