Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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