omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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