Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
