May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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