I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
