My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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