the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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