my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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