for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
