so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
