I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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