Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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