She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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