I have demons in me.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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