i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
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