i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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