You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
