Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
