the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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