The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Let's paint friendship bongs
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
