anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
