Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
