You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
