i think my tv is drunk
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize