i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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