Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
