the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Everything about him screamed your future.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
