Someone shit on the floor
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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