im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize