Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
