Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Randomize
