I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
